There's No "Place" for Judging

Turn on any daytime talk show, or at least the most tawdry examples, and you'll hear it from guests of all stripes: "How dare you judge me?" they shout, full of righteous indignation: "You don't even know me!"

To which, chazal might say, "You raise a good point."

While it may seem funny that guests on a show titled, "I'm cheating on my wife with her best friend" end up surprised by the audience's disapproval, while it is certainly ironic, and while if ever it would be appropriate to say "You asked for it" now would be the time -- Judaism would be the first to caution our rush from couch to judge and jury. (1)

"Al tadon et chaveiro ad shetagia limkomo" we are told, and the traditional translation is fairly straight forward: Don't judge your friend until you reach his place. Simply put, unless you've "been there"(2) you're not entitled to judge(3). Or as we might say, "until you've walked in his or her shoes," don't be so quick to condemn.

The aphorism is not only good-hearted, but appropriate. Life is complex, and there are many factors which, even when they don't excuse bad behavior, at least may mitigate what we think about the person who slips up.

In a lot of ways the idea of "Al tadon et chaveiro ad shetagia limkomo" is an extension of the concept that one shouldn't judge until he/she has the full story -since there are so many nuances that we as observers can't fully appreciate, we never truly have the full story (4).

This weekend I heard a beautiful thought in the name of Rabbi Yosef Carmel. One of God's names is Makom-or Hamakom, The Place. We sing, "Barukh HaMakom Barukh Hu." When we visit mourners we say "HaMakom Yinachem etchem." Makom is a synonym for God, it's a nickname.

And so if we substitute the word God for the word Makom, and look once more at this famous phrase, a new meaning emerges.

Don't judge your friend until/unless you are God.

It's a difference in kind, not degree. Under the classic explanation, we were told what amounts to another English expression: don't rush to judgment. If you cross your t's and dot your i's, if you have in fact considered where the perpetrator was coming from and been in similar straights, then you can judge them. Not any other time, sure, and that is the main point being made, but there is an exception built in.

Now stop to consider the new explanation. We are not God, and we can never be God. It is never man's role to judge.

A final and slightly different explanation can also emerge, taking advantage of both meanings of the word Makom.

The word makom conveys both "place" and God" and so we are told, as you consider their actions, look for that "place" in your friend that is "godly", before you begin to judge(5).





Endnotes:

(1) At the same time, Judaism allows for common sense. To continue with the example of the talk show, you're not required to leave your wife alone with a serial philanderer.

(2) Note the similarity to place, and being there, as in when sympathizing with a friend one says, "I know what you mean, I've been there." Even the more neutral phrase, "Been there, done that" indicates that someone has experienced the same thing.

(3) The only type of judgement encouraged is the act of judging someone favorably: Havai dan et kol adam l'caf zechut.

(4) This recalls the beautiful idea that the Hebrew word for truth, emet, has three letters, an alef, a mem and a tet, the first, middle and last letters of the Hebrew alphabet. The classic explanation is that this evokes the idea of something being true from A to Z, and the need for people to speak, "the whole truth," hinting at the dangers of partial truths. Perhaps, though, the idea of the alphabet's order is as relevant as the idea of full truth -we are saying that you need to know the story from start to finish, from beginning to end, including any relevant history that might serve as exculpatory evidence.

(5) Thanks to Einat Day for a suggestion that ultimately led to this last formulation.