Ki Tetze: Embarrasingly Simple

Good teachers think ahead. From the very outset, they look not only to edify, but to clarify (1).

*Be polite -but not if you are a child being asked to get into a stranger's car.

*Don't murder -but by all means save your life when you are attacked, even if you must kill to do so.

*Honor your parents -but not if they ask you to steal or do other actions you know to be wrong.

As the ultimate teacher, Moshe follows suit, albeit more subtly.

Two laws follow each other in Parshat Ki Tetze, two stories which, when taken together, clarify the rules and complement each other.

The first story is about yibum. When a man dies childless, his brother is supposed to marry his former sister in law, saving her from widowhood. The hope is for them to have a child, ensuring that his brother's family line and name continue. That is the mitzvah of yibum.

But there is an out clause: the brother can say no.

When he does, the process of chalitzah is remarkable. The woman is asked to embarrass this man. Here is someone who won't step up and do the right thing. We allow him to move on, but we don't hide our disappointment.(2)

Public humiliation is prescribed -and doled out.

And then the sedra skips to a very different law.

Two men are fighting, and the wife of one jumps in to help. In grappling and wrestling, the wife ends up --and I am sorry but I will be as delicate as I can be --grasping the privates of the other man.

How mortifying for him, and upsetting to her. But since she is the one at fault, she must pay a fine for having caused him embarrassment. (3)

What links the two stories is the theme of embarrassment. The message, following the stories' order, is: Yes, there are times when you can embarrass someone else and be justified. There are even times when you should.

Here comes the But: never forget, not even for a moment, that those situations are rare.

They are the exceptions that prove the rule.

And Moshe, and the Torah, quickly follow the ONE time when you CAN embarrass a friend, with a reminder of when you CAN'T. A well intentioned wife tries to protect her husband and accidentally embarrasses his attacker -- Sorry, she is in trouble.

That is how careful we need to be with the dignity of other people. Accidents are not excuses. Nothing can be risked when man's essential pride and image are at stake. (4)

This lesson is both old and timeless.

And if we see the echo of this idea in the Torah's last book, we also see it in the Torah's first book.

"Tamar came close to being burned alive and was spared only when Yehuda admitted, “Tzadkah mimeni.” With the help of Rashi, who draws on the teachings of Chazal, we discover that Tamar was prepared to remain silent rather than embarrass Yehuda, even to the point of taking her secret to the grave...

Rashi points out that this story is the source for the Gemorah in Sotah (10b) and Bava Metziah (59a), which teach that it is better for a person to throw himself into a burning furnace than to cause public embarrassment to a fellow Jew.

When we learn that Rashi, we recognize the value of the lesson that it’s not nice to embarrass other people. We think, “Okay. I’ll be more careful next time. When the opportunity arises, I will try not to embarrass anyone.” And then we go on to the next story and the next Rashi.

Shouldn’t we pause for a moment and try to absorb what the Torah is telling us? That a person is better off jumping into a burning fire than causing someone else embarrassment? It’s an amazing concept when you think about it. This is not a metaphor; it’s meant to be taken literally.

If we took it seriously, we would be so much more careful about our interactions with other people. How many times do we poke fun at other people to display our genius? How often are we guilty of turning someone else into the target of our brilliant wit? Yet, here the posuk teaches us that such conduct is reprehensible - so much so that a person should be prepared to end his life rather than bring shame to someone else."

I quoted the above from Rabbi Pinchos Lipschutz (5).

It is a beautiful commentary on the Tamar and Yehudah story, and, I hope, an inspiring addition to what we witness in Ki Tetze.

Remember, that our parsha does not bother to remind us that we shouldn't embarrass anyone trying to watch them suffer, or to take revenge.

That would be too obvious, the Torah hopes.

And so the Torah warns about ACCIDENTALLY causing embarrassment.

Sadly, most of us need the broader reminder, we need to be told, "Don't get so mad, you put your friend down out of anger. Don't get so jealous, you want to see your friend hurt. Don't be so insecure that you can only feel good when your friend feels bad."

Our hope, as we prepare for a New Year, is that we will pay attention to these reminders -- and remember to change.

That we commit to spare not only the rod, but others' embarrasment.

That we will finally treat others as we would like to be treated.

And while the above is cliche, and even embarrasingly simple,
wouldn't it be a better world if it were also overwhelmingly true.



End notes:

(1) On the topic of student's failing to think through implications or distingush on their own....Rav Ya'akov Kaminetzky, zt"l, was once at the men's mikva and happened upon a childhood acquaintance. They were both getting dressed and Rav Ya'akov could not help but notice that the other man's tzitzit were tiny, barely a bib in relation to his body. When Rav Ya'akov asked the man why he was wearing tzitzit that were clearly too small, the man explained that before leaving Europe his grandfather made him promise: "When you get to America, never take off the tzitizit that you are wearing." Clearly this man missed his grandfather's larger point.


(2) I think of the term "no-fault" insurance -and imagine the Torah saying, "Let's be clear, this is Fault insurance. You're covered, but you messed up."


(3)This follows the general laws of nezek, or torts. Categories of payment correspond to nezek (damages), tza'ar (pain and suffering), boshet (embarrasment), ri'poi (health costs) and shevet (lost wages).

(4) There is a related point we gain in comparing and conmsidering the 2 stories: precisely because the cost of embarrassment is so high, we choose it as a punishment for the man who won't rise to the occasion and do what the Torah requests of him.

(5) Originally printed in the Yated; see http://www.theyeshivaworld.com/article.php?p=12260 . I have made slight cuts for the sake of pasting here.